Dating Me and My Anxiety

May is Mental Health Awareness Month so you know I had to write a lil sum’n sum’n. But I didn’t want to just write a regular blog about anxiety; had to give it a lil twist!

This blog is inspired by two things: “Issues/Hold On” by Teyana Taylor and a quote from the movie “Juno”.

It’s no secret; I have anxiety. With therapy, I’m learning to manage it but that doesn’t mean it’s going away any time soon. While my anxiety attacks have become less frequent and intense, sis still pops up on me at the most inconvenient times.

Any time anxiety rears her ugly head, I can feel my heart racing, my body heats up and that chest starts to tighten the fuck up. Sometimes I’m able to calm myself in 20 minutes, other times it takes all day.

I want to date, I truly want to give it a good old fashion try but I am absolutely tired that my anxiety is going to get in the way.

I tend to shut down when dealing with my anxiety because it takes a lot for me to focus on calming down. I’m usually tired afterward and just want to be by myself. Now imagine secluding myself while dating. Ghosting has become extremely prevalent in dating culture nowadays. I don’t want the person I’m dating to thinking I’m ghosting them when I just need the time and space to reset.

In this day and age, I don’t think anyone is coming into any relationship a complete human being but how do you ask someone to deal with your issues? No matter how open you are with someone, they still have the decision to accept you and your issues or say nah fam, I’m good. As someone suffering from a disorder that conditions you to think the worst, rejection is tough. Sis will have me thinking it’s something terribly wrong with me but I’m learning to reframe that negative thought about myself.

I have this intense need to be well liked but as I get older, I’m getting more comfortable with saying fuck that. I’m not going to be everybody’s cup of tea and just like I find some people annoying, I will annoy people too. Being unliked makes me terribly uncomfortable but my therapist reminded me that being uncomfortable is apart of life and I need to get used to it.

Me and my anxiety are a packaged deal. I’m stuck with miss sis ‘til the wheels fall off. Not everyone wants to be burdened with all that comes with it but my anxiety doesn’t define me. There is someone out there that will find something in me that outweighs everything bad and they’ll think the sun shines out of my ass. They’ll hold on through all the issues and maybe even help me beat up anxiety when she pops up on me.

Editor’s Note: I know I’ve probably made it sound like dating me is a one-way street but trust me it’s not. But that’s something you just have to find out on ya own!