I think I'm ready to date!

I can’t tell if this quarantine has got me loopy or if it’s the subtle sounds of PJ Morton’s “Piano Album” playing in my ear as I write this but…..I…..think….I’m ready to date!

Okay, that woke ya’ll up!

So to be completely transparent, I’m pretty sure I’ve been in a situationship. Everybody has said I have but I’ve really been in denial about it. Situationships get a bad rep but it’s really been my jam. You get the comfortability of a relationship but without the actual commitment (Yes I see how badly that looks written down, I’ll call my therapist). I was never afraid to commit to monogamy but the fear of getting hurt made avoiding commitment sooooooo easy!

It was really working well. We are pretty much best friends and everything feels easy; no pressure to be extra just simple. I really needed that. I think I was really scared that I couldn’t have him in my life at all if we weren’t situationshiping but I’ve surprised myself. At the end of the day, I’d want him to be in my life in whatever aspect he feels comfortable with than forcing him to be something he’s not and risk losing my best friend.

Now I’m in this lil dilemma; I only want to date someone that I’ve been friends with but I don’t really have any male friends that I’m attracted to. 

We’re in a freaking pandemic so it’s not like I can go out and meet anyone. I’m scared of online dating because catfsihing and hatfishing is real. I know the apps have upped their video capabilities so that doesn’t happen but still. And dating now is just strange. Everyone walks into it trying to place chess to make sure they don’t get played. We all out here playing games to avoid being hurt when we could have been spending time creating a loving relationship.

I’m also working on this whole attention neediness. I think that’s what this is all really about. I want some undivided attention from someone who ONLY WANTS MY ATTENTION! Let me be very clear. When I say I want to date, I don’t mean a full relationship. What we define as talking, I want to date and get to know someone for real with the intent to possibly no longer belong to the streets. 

I think that’s where a lot of us are lost. We keep having these failed “talking stages” and not really dating with the intent to be in a relationship. I’m coming honest and up front. I’m looking for a man and companion. Even in a pandemic, I NEED TO BE ASKED ON A DATE! A real date!!!! There are options; get creative. I apologize to anyone that thinks they’ve taken me on a date but I’ve honestly only been asked by one guy “Can I take you out?” It didn’t work out but I appreciate his effort to differentiate between us kicking it and a date because THERE IS A DIFFERENCE! 

Okay back to the attention thing; I’m really writing what comes to my brain.So my new task in therapy is to work on seeking attention from people who aren’t interested in me. “But Jam that’s obvious.” Yes, I know but every now and again, sis gets bored and sends text messages she shouldn’t. 

I have a bad habit of thinking I can wear someone down and change their mind. Now this person is clearly attracted to me sexually but we are working on a full and sustaining relationship. We won’t get that from him but I like the temporary affection I receive. Fighting that urge for temporary affection is rough; even when someone that might be attracted to me is willing to give me but I’m not feeling him. Sometimes we can be so thirsty to be told that we are beautiful or need that feeling of being wanted that we entertain people we don’t even want. I never want to give someone the impression that I’m remotely interested when I know I’m not. A lot of times, that's the attention seeking I’m fighting. If I’m looking for someone to give me 100% I can’t be out here playing with someone’s emotions for the sake of that temporary attention. That’s bad juju. 

So I’m not really sure what happens next. Maybe just opening my mind to WANTING to actively date is the first step. I’ll continue my fearless DM sliding because what is shame! I know my boo thang is out there somewhere and open to giving me love in all the ways I’d love to see it. And vice versa. I’m truly ready to unapologetically love someone, LOUDLY!!!! I have a lot of love to give and I think working on giving love the way someone accepts it will make me a better girlfriend this time around. I can’t wait until I have a lil baby that’s gon listen walking around singing love songs with me in mind because that’s what I’ll be doing.

So like PJ said: IF YOU’RE READY...WE AIN’T GOTTA WASTE NO TIME, WE CAN JUST GO STEADY!!!!!