I am struggling
Today I found myself in the shower crying because the water turned cold for a second. Something completely small and would be resolved fairly quickly but it was another reminder of something one of four people under quarantine did that I could not control.
The water turns cold all the time if someone runs the dishwasher, throws in a load of laundry or even waters the grass. No biggie! But today it literally felt like the end of the world. We’ve been under a Stay at Home order for…I can’t even remember how many days. I’m very grateful to have a home where I’m not worried about the next bill. I recognize the privilege that I have; don’t get me wrong but I am struggling to find my peace.
Up until now, I thought my mental health was in check! I was developing coping routines to help myself and becoming more mindful in those tense moments. But this pandemic has exposed something I had previously recognized but paid little attention to. Outside of my car, I have no space to myself. My car is literally my only little corner of the world. Again, I’m grateful to have a room in my parents’ house but it’s THEIR house. In this pandemic, it’s hard to find alone time in a house of three additional adults and a six-year-old who is also suffering with this new normal. There is no real “me” time in this because I can’t even safely go somewhere to be alone outside of the house. I can’t risk going out because there’s a possibility that COVID could follow me home where I live with immune-sensitive people.
This pandemic is a struggle. I know my situation could be a lot worse but I have to acknowledge what is weighing me down. It’s not fair to me to keep looking on the bright side and ignoring the toll this very real situation is taking on me.
It’s crazy. The world has been asked to stop but there’s still this expectation to keep moving. I’ve been furloughed but still expected to work 4 hours a week to maintain my insurance coverage. What can I possibly really accomplish in that time? I still have a business to run and that requires work! As badly as I want to just stay in bed, I have to push myself to get up. The challenge to get out of the bed has gotten harder and harder. I literally don’t want to do anything. I just want the world to stop so that I can stop.
I’ve been trying to focus on the things that I can control in this pandemic; exercise, eating habits, skincare! That’s really all I have. When I try to be alone, the only place in the house where I’m not expected to interact with people, is my room. Those four walls can drive you stir crazy after 50-11 days inside. The ramifications of these feelings are starting to manifest physically. I’m tired all the time from trying to control my reactions to things I can’t control. My family is suffering mentally in there own ways too. My parents are losing friends at least every other day. My nephew is 6. He doesn’t understand what’s going on and is trying to adjust as much as he can but he’s 6. I can’t stop him from being a kid. My sister is now a teacher and playmate and whatever else a six-year-old needs. I try to be sensitive to their needs and their space but I have to ask the very selfish question. “Are they doing the same for me?” I know they are trying but have I really communicated what I need? We haven’t hit the sweet spot of giving others in the house what they need while still being taken care of ourselves. It’s a very thing line that we are all having trouble walking on.
I just miss really being able to be alone and drowning out the noise. I think what really made me cry in the shower is how much I had longed for peace. I just want my soul to be at peace and it hasn’t been for awhile.
This is not a cry for attention or help. I’ve still made my monthly therapy sessions and sis knows everything I’m stating in this blog. I’m not going to say I’m fine but these feelings had to be let off before I found myself in the shower crying again. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way or some version of it. Miss Rona came and wreaked havoc on our lives. We are never going back to normal or what we thought normal was when the world begins to open up. I pray we all find our peace somehow.