My Mental Health is Affecting Those Around Me
I want to start this off with a disclaimer. I’m not writing this for attention. I’m not seeking help or empathy (although it’s appreciated). I’ve gone through the correct channels to address my problem. The purpose of this blog is to help someone in the same predicament find their way out; deliver them from this stubbornness and “I’ll suffer in silence” attitude. Because that’s stupid and it’s affecting not only you but the people around you. Okay so here we go.
I think my depression and anxiety are what cost me my job. Depression and anxiety have felt like buzzed words for me since I started therapy in 2018 but I think I have that shit for real.
Since September, and probably way before that, I really haven’t felt passionate about anything. I’m sure it started to show in my work and what I can accomplish. Not that work output is all I’m worth but delivering on things I promised is a core character trait for me. I was overpromising and under-delivering. Hell, I still am and I really think that’s what did it.
Being FUNderemployed was cute for the first couple of months and I felt hopeful but the weight of my situation really came crashing in on me. I had lost two significant relationships in the past year which took a toll on my mental health and now I am struggling to make ends meet which only exacerbates the declining mental health.
I could tell something was off with me because I wasn’t sleeping or I’d sleep in hour intervals throughout the night. I’d stay in bed way past acceptable hours or not even get up at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you I only cry on my birthday but I found myself crying almost weekly these last few months. I thought I was just grieving my losses but this felt like more. The isolation became more frequent and my house stayed a mess. But what really signaled me to the necessary changes shocked me. One night, I was drunkenly professing my love for someone and their friends were like “girl why?” Once I got past the initial laughter it made me really self-reflect. I knew that person was having some tough times because even their interaction with me was limited and I was like “damn this is what I’m doing to my people.”
I recently had to step back from an opportunity because I had so many days where I just didn’t feel like talking to people. Being in a social industry, that’s not going to fly. My social mask was starting to crack and I couldn’t just pretend to be fine anymore. For a while, I have just even going through the motions. The only relief I could get from my worries and anxiety would be sleep. I would be so happy to take a nap or just sleep for the night because it was better than being awake. When I’d wake up in the morning, I’d say to myself “Okay, just get through the day.”
I really try to isolate myself when I’m having bad spouts of depression or anxiety because I don’t want to put the burden of my care on anyone. Thinking that I’m saving people from myself, I end up hurting them anyway. I’m not showing up for them. I’m not checking in on them to see how they’re doing mentally or otherwise. I’m all around being a trash-ass friend.
When I would have these intense spells, it would scare the shit out of my loved ones and I would just suffer in silence because I was scared they’d send me to a clinic or something. I wouldn’t tell people everything I’m experiencing because they weren’t licensed professionals and that “sometimes talking helps” mantra never worked for me. But even if I’m not divulging every feeling to my people, they deserve to know why I’m in this space and when I enter it. Just ghosting them for long periods of time and popping back up like nothing happened is not acceptable. They deserve someone who can clearly communicate with them and not leave them to have to create their own narrative of what’s going on.
This is all written to emphasize the importance of seeking help from a professional. We don’t have to figure this out alone. There are people who have been put on this Earth to help. You can’t pray or meditate your depression away. Sometimes talking to someone does help but make sure it’s the right person.
I’ve recently done a mental health assessment with the Detroit Wayne Integrated Health Network; they found a clinic near my house and made an appointment for me the same week. Depression and anxiety are life-long illnesses I’ll have to live with but they will not consume my life like they have for the last year. I’m stronger and with the proper support, I’m excited to live my life to the fullest. So stop being stubborn and find your therapist so you can get back to the life you were meant to live.
Great resources include:
Detroit Wayne Integrated Health Network (local to Detroit and Wayne County residents)