Letting Go!

A few nights ago, I had a dream that my tooth fell out. I dream about my teeth falling out a lot and lots of interpretations say it’s related to anxiety. But this particular night I dreamt that after it fell out, I began to cough up blood. Like so much blood that if that happened in real life ya girl would need to call the Red Cross. 

Anyway. I popped up from the dream terrified. When I have weird vivid dreams like this, I always try to find an interpretation of them. One source said that Blood represents life. Now upon reading that first line I got scared that the universe was tryna tell me I was pregnant or having a miscarriage (neither to be true) so I kept reading. The source went further to say the dispelling of blood represented the possible removal of people from my life. Usually when I dream about my teeth falling out that’s just it, I’m toothless. But this time, after I stopped coughing up blood, the tooth grew back. 

I told y’all a while ago that I was ready to really give dating a try. Now I’m serious about that but I hadn’t really taken the steps to do it. I was still holding out hope for something that just wouldn’t happen. That dream and it’s interpretation made me realize it’s time to clean house. It’s time to remove people from my life or change their position in it if they are not interested in fulfilling my needs. 

These last few weeks, I’ve had to have a few tough conversations. It really took a toll on my ego and what role I thought I played in the lives of others. But the conversations I had where necessary; I can’t have one foot in and one foot out. This ain’t the hokey pokey. 

Ya’ll know that one image that’s circulating social media; where the little girl is holding tightly to a teddy bear and God is saying hand it over. She doesn’t want to let go because she’s so attached to it not knowing God has a better and bigger bear behind His back. That’s me. Not gon hold ya’ll up, I was holding on to the idea that I was getting a second chance with someone even though he stated he did not want the same things I wanted in life. I fell into that trap of thinking that as time passed, his mind would change. 

You can’t change anyone’s mind about their needs and wants. That’s a conversation for another time but listen…

Back to the topic though, I saw something the other day that said “You have to clear space for the things you prayed for.” Chile it hit me like a ton of bricks! Between seeing that and connecting it to the dream I spoke about earlier, the universe was trying to tell me to get ready! I’ve been saying that I need my husband to hurry up and find me but clearly I am the one that’s not prepared. He probably sitting somewhere with his life together; waiting for me to wrap it the fuck up. 

I’ve done a lot of work to build me up in the last three years of therapy. I’m definitely not the person I was and don’t make the same choices I made then. I’ve learned to be more mindful of the bad choices I make but now it’s time to do the work so all my choices are good for me! This is the time for me to really, truly find out who I am and what I want out of life. 

It’s also time for me to clear the room like the tweet said. I’m holding on to people and things that no longer serve me out of convenience or comfort. It’s so much stuff in the way of me and my husband that he can’t even get through. That’s where boundaries and clear lines are going to come into play. Not only for my love life but with work, friends and more. I can’t get to the life I want to live being in the spaces that I’ve outgrown. I can’t keep having conversations with people that are stuck in the same ol’ cycles. And letting go of people doesn’t mean that I’m cutting them off completely; it may just mean we have to adjust the nature of our relationship.  

In my last therapy session, we set a goal of detachment. For the next six months, I have to work on not trying to end up in any sort of entanglement. Now I can meet people and date but the goal is not to try to find my husband right  now. The goal is to find me! I tried to do this three years ago but it didn’t work out well because I was so afraid of being alone. 

Now, I’m excited to explore the idea of true independence. Not worrying about the male gaze, if he’s going to text me back, does he find me sexy; none of that. In the next six months, I want to build up the ability to just do for me and for my satisfaction. I lost myself in my last relationship and when my husband does finally knock on my door, I want to be a complete and whole person ready to love him the way he should be loved. 

The dream I talked about earlier was the universe telling me it’s time to let go and allow for new growth. There’s going to be some falling out and losses but in the end something new and permanent will appear!